I Love Him

To Curious Eyes:

Today, I am disappointed in myself. I have hurt my father. And I did it unintentionally. I know it would be unfitting to say…but I love him. I love him a lot. The only reason I hurt him is because I love him.

You see, my father is my motivation. He is the reason I strive to be the best I can. His expectations give me something to work for. He has made so many sacrifices for me. He has guided me through everything. He is my role model.

My Papa and I

All of his expectations are just, but they leave me with little room to mess up. It is an honor that he expects so much from he. After all, he would only expect from me what he thinks I can do. Him expecting so much from me just means that he thinks I can do so much more.

But I feel like he is never satisfied. No matter how much I achieve, there is always more. And, everything I do is never enough. And, I am never trusted.

I love him, but I am tired of trying. I love him, but I am tired of disappointing. I love him, but I miss enjoying. Wait, did I mention…I love him?

I am sorry. I am really sorry.

-Noor

I am Perfect. Ha, if only.

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5 responses to “I Love Him

  1. My relationship with my papa was crazy.

    He is a sci-fi fan and software engineer, and he wanted me to grow up to be Mr. Spock. Passionless, logical, reasonable, intelligent. Perfect grades, no fights, no mischief, always respectful, always polite.

    What did I want? I wanted to smoke hookah, write love poems and play nay with sufis. (I love nay so much. I can play Turkish style, Egyptian style, and even Persian style. In Persian style you actually hold the flute in your teeth.)

    Now that I’m an adult I realize that what my papa wanted and what I want work kind of nicely with each other. My papa drilled me in mathematics, so now I can easily calculate frequencies and tones to make my own flutes out of bamboo or PVC. My papa insisted on pacifism, so when I eventually learned how to fight, I trained in Tai Chi Chuan, and I love it. (Tai Chi is fun to teach to children in a mosque because the main attack in Tai Chi is to push someone over, and mosques have carpeting.) My papa insisted I be logical, so now I never have a problem defending my position in debate.

    I’m a boy though, so I’m didn’t have to deal with, “Papas defend their daughters so make sure I always know where you are and what you are doing every moment of the day so I can rush to your rescue.” Instead I had to deal with the opposite, “You are an intelligent and resourceful young man. You should have been able to find a solution on your own. Next time make sure you deal with the situation before it reaches me.”

  2. Hello friend.

    I can relate to the incessent pressure you feel. I used to succumb to that sentiment which I choose to define as parental love…their longing for me to continue pressing myself further and further to continually achieve.

    However, as I matured, I came to accept that everyone makes mistakes and from those mistakes I have grown. And from that growth comes my peace of mind, my self esteem, my elation to the mysteries I am continually unfolding.

    As I age, I hope I am inspiring this sense of wonderment of oneself to my children where they will achieve for themselves.

  3. We are all human, we all mess up. Parents, grandparents, and children. Learn from your mistakes & move on, don’t beat yourself up over it, just learn.

  4. I know how you feel! Don’t worry! It happened to me… my dad was a very closed.. and quiet guy.. after you get some really good personal time with him.. you find out he does truely love you, and smile at every victory and cries with you during your pain.

  5. Ali Turab Gilani

    EX-PEC-TATIONS

    No Wonder why they put so many letters in it…

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